New Year's Day is one of my favourite days of the year in a kind of bittersweet way. It's somehow become our tradition to put all the Christmas things away and clean up on New Year's Day. It's a feeling of sadness to pack up everything for another year, but at the same time there's a feeling of great satisfaction to see the house back together and in order. It always feels empty for a little while...like there's something missing. And then I think, "Oh yeah, that's what our house looks like. That's what the floor looks like. I just finished mopping the front room hardwood and boy, does it look nice. It was really dirty from all the festivities. Mike is taking down the outside lights. We even organized the crawl space a bit. I realize now that if we're not having any more babies, I've got A LOT to get rid of. I'm not sure why we're hanging onto things. I'm not sure why we haven't made any firm decisions either way. It's been one of the most difficult decisions we've never made!! LOL We talk about it and then come to indecision, but the more we talk and the more we wait, the more the decision is made for us. I feel so content with our little family of four, so maybe that's God's way of affirming our decision. To go back to the baby stage now in my life seems undesirable. Not that I wouldn't love and care for another one as much as I did my girls, but the desire isn't there the way it used to be. And yet, there's sadness for both of us as we say good bye to that precious stage of life....the babies, the toddlers, almost the preschool stage now too.....OK, that's making me sad to think they'll both be in school next year. I feel though, that I need to get through that little sadness and grieving stage and look forward and ahead to this next exciting chapter of the girls' lives. God is reminding me that children are on loan to us for a very short time. My job is not to hold on and wish for a return to former stages, but to look ahead and prepare them to leave us. That's what we're doing, isn't it....preparing them to not need us anymore. I think that's what is hard about this transition. The girls don't need me as much anymore. They can dress themselves, feed themselves, entertain themselves, do little jobs.....yes, they're pretty independent little things...so I guess I'll treasure those times they need me at 2 am when they've had a nightmare, or when they fall and hurt their knee. It's bittersweet, just like today. I'm feeling satisfied that I've helped to create these wonderful, independent, creative little girls, but I'm feeling sad to be packing away their babyhood.
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