Grief

I've been thinking a lot about the subject of grief lately. I've had some friends who have experienced grief through losing a parent lately and it's brought back some grieving for me too. When you lose a loved one, people say that time will heal your wounds. People say that keeping busy will help. People throw around well meaning comments. At the time they may seem comforting or they may seem hollow. I've been through the process of grieving a few times in my life. The most significant grief has been around the loss of my parents. I say I've been through it, but truly you can never really get "through" it. That's one of the myths. You don't ever get over it. My mother has been gone 20 years now. I find it hard to remember what her voice was like or exactly what she looked like. It seems to me we lived together in another life, almost in a dream I had long ago. Yet just last weekend I was sitting with my girls watching the Sound of Music play and the grief hit me so hard. I remembered that the Sound Of Music was Mom's favourite movie. She went to the theatre several times to see it, taking anyone who showed an interest. For that moment, I grieved that she wasn't there with us. She would have loved to come with us. Maybe I would have picked her up...the girls would have chatted with her all the way to the show. We would have sat together and sang all the songs and laughed. She would have worried that the girls were warm enough as we walked back out to the car and on the ride home she would stiffen every time we passed a big truck on the highway. As I watched my girls enjoying the musical, I wondered if she was somehow there with us. Maybe she was.

Grief changes through the years, but it never leaves. It takes different forms. I rarely cry over my parents anymore as I did those first raw years. I still feel sadness, emptiness and occasionally a dull ache over my loss. At the same time, I feel warmth and love when I think about my parents. It's such a strange mix of emotion. I know my losses have changed me. I'm not a carefree person. I have a sense that nothing is certain and that life is temporary. I can see the big picture. I take very little for granted and I tend to savour life with my family. I've always known God's hand to be in my life during and after the death of my parents. Although it was painful, God has brought me to a point of great joy and peace in my life. It has been a process. As little as a year ago, I was worried so much about dying young and leaving my children motherless. If Mike was late, I would imagine the worst and work myself into a frenzy! God has truly healed me of those worries. Tonight as I sit in our comfortable, peaceful home I am so thankful. God has blessed me through my family, immediate and extended and my cup really does run over in this season of my life.